Seneca, On Peace of Mind 2.5

The same thing applies both to those who suffer from fickleness and continual changes of purpose, who always are fondest of what they have given up, and those who merely yawn and dawdle.

Add to these those who, like bad sleepers, turn from side to side, and settle themselves first in one manner and then in another, until at last they find rest through sheer weariness. In forming the habits of their lives they often end by adopting some to which they are not kept by any dislike of change, but in the practice of which old age, which is slow to alter, has caught them living.

Add also those who are by no means fickle, yet who must thank their dullness, not their consistency for being so, and who go on living not in the way they wish, but in the way they have begun to live.

I should not fret over the fact that I find it difficult to be good, and that I struggle to be happy. If I am facing obstacles, it can mean that I am doing more than merely going through the motions for the sake of appearances, and it can mean that I am still guided by a sense of purpose. The hardship at least reflects an effort and a commitment. Better to stay in the fight than to yield.

I have often wondered how people can so easily brush off their circumstances. For some, it may well show how they have truly mastered themselves, and these are the folks I need to learn from. Yet for many others, it reveals how quickly they change their tunes. Once they confront something inconvenient or uncomfortable, they simply drop their former interests, and move on to something completely new.

“I don’t like this anymore. Look! There is another situation to hold my attention. I am tired of worrying about this. Look! Let me follow a different path.”

The house is cluttered and dirty, and the ashtrays are all full. Time to buy a new house.

I was always deeply confused as to why I was given promises of unconditional love at one moment, and then treated like a complete stranger the next. Was I so boring and tedious that I was now disposable? It never occurred to me that there was nothing I could have done to win the affections of those who had decided to no longer care.

Flighty people never stay with one thing for too long, especially if it requires real work. Their seeming ease in life is not ease at all, but a running away from any genuine dedication.

Then there are also those who just accept the last thing to come their way, exhausted by the effort of trying anymore, caught in the humdrum of mediocre habits. They lie wherever they fall.

Finally, there are also those who never reflect to begin with, and so are pushed and pulled by anything that crosses their paths. They are hardly content, but resigned to let everything be what it will be, while never even thinking about what they could be.

Yes, there were times when I was far too stubborn, or was pigheadedly unwilling to settle for what I perceived as second best, or kicked and screamed when the world rolled over me. Still, at least there was some life left in me, and I was not content to surrender my need to find some peace of mind. 

Written in 5/2011