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Monday, October 21, 2019

Seneca, On Peace of Mind 1.2

The position in which I find myself more especially (for why should I not tell you the truth as I would to a physician), is that of neither being thoroughly set free from the vices which I fear and hate, nor yet quite in bondage to them. My state of mind, though not the worst possible, is a particularly discontented and sulky one. I am neither ill nor well.

There are few things as difficult as being in-between. Give me pain that makes me want to end my very life, or give me pleasure that I never wish to end. But don’t give me that state of being neither here nor there, too weak to find any peace and contentment, too strong to give it all up.

Give me black, or give me white, but spare me the gray. It is one thing to be sick, another to be well, and yet another to be unable to tell the difference. It was somewhere in the 1990’s, I think, when people started saying “Meh”. It’s that sense of being numb and unimpressed. They tell me it defines a whole generation.

I suspect it goes far deeper than that, to the very core of the human condition. We surely all know the feeling, and it is about being so lost as to no longer care. The difference will be that some of us will be brave enough to admit it to ourselves, or perhaps even to others.

For many years, I assumed that the vast majority of people I knew were perfectly happy, and only a few pathetic losers were miserable. I thought this because most people looked content, and just a handful looked sad.

Well, I figured, there must be something deeply wrong with me. I both look and feel sad all of the time. It is not a sadness that will kill me, even as it is a sadness that makes me frown. It wears away at me without actually biting at me.

A very wise man once set me straight. He suggested I look deeper. See how that couple always smile and hold hands? Now watch them when they think no one is looking. See that successful fellow over there, the talk of the town? Now observe him when he is out of the spotlight.

No, he suggested, only a very few people are genuinely happy in this life, and only a very few people are in complete despair. All the rest are winging it, going through the motions, pretending for others that their lives are perfect, and then going home to face their numbness in solitude.

“So wait, my malaise doesn’t make me a freak?”

“Well, other things about you may well make you a freak, but it isn’t your malaise. You share that with nine out of the ten people you meet. You’re just not as clever at playing the game.”

Still, in one sense it seems even worse than being without any hopes or prospects at all. Take everything I love away, and I might find the courage to bear it. Leave everything indifferent, and I am screaming inside. There is no up, no down, just a vast expanse of flatlands.

The clock is ticking, the television is on, and the microwave tells me that my dinner is ready. I don’t like it one bit.

Written in 4/2011

2 comments:

  1. I couldn't help but notice a few days back that you were lamenting a change in policy at Facebook, something about not allowing links in Facebook posts, which you say will decrease traffic here. I would like to let you know that I read this site 3-5 times a week, and I found your work through Google. However, know that the Stoic groups at Facebook have sometimes tens of thousands of members, so despite drawbacks, the medium is here to stay for the interim. I would like to thank you for maintaining a great site with valuable resources available to your readers. Again, thank you!

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    1. Apologies if it appeared as a lament. I should have said that it is rather a perfect example of our own ability to learn acceptance.

      Let corporations do their things, and let us do our own things! The sadness was not about the loss of traffic here, but about the years of lost posts and comments that had been deleted.

      Yes, Facebook has many Stoic groups, with very many followers, but this blog sadly never found many readers by that route. Pigliucci, Roberston, or Holiday have their thing, and it is simply different than what is offered here.

      Thank you so very much for reading along. It means quite a bit to know that someone else listens!

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