Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.4

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.

If then a god or a wise teacher should present himself to a man and bid him to think of nothing and to design nothing that he would not express as soon as he conceived it, he could not endure it even for a single day.  So much more respect have we to what our neighbors shall think of us than to what we shall think of ourselves.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.4 (tr Long)

I have spent most of my life ignored by others, and I have responded with either wild resentment or peaceful acceptance. Every so often, I have found myself ridiculed or cast aside by others, and I have responded with either wild resentment or peaceful acceptance. Whether I was happy or not depended quite a bit on the choices I made about what came to me.

Now one might think that this would, at the very best, teach me a bit of healthy self-reliance, or, at the very worst, drag me down into some rather unhealthy isolation. Oddly enough, I usually still felt the need to crave approval. I wanted so desperately to be recognized, and if there were some occasions when I was recognized, I wanted so desperately to be recognized well.

I believe that instinct to be perfectly natural, to desire being a part of something, to have a place within the whole, and to have that place be confirmed by those around me. My mistake was always in thinking that the approval made me good, instead of seeing that what was good could then be worthy of approval. The instinct was not tempered by reason.

As in so many things Stoic, my priorities were flipped; the cause was confused with the consequence. No man is ever made to be alone, but sometimes he will find himself in solitude. Indeed, he is never alone if he lives well, looking to his conscience first and foremost; then he is working with and for all things, for all his neighbors, for every part of creation, even if he is not given any trophies, or awards, or further bonuses.

Should I care what other people think? Yes, of course, because they are my brothers and sisters. Should I make who I am dependent on what they think? No, absolutely not, because then I am hardly myself.

The Stoic Turn requires working from the inside out, not from the outside in. The mentality of the herd demands working from outside in, not from the inside out.

Once I look to anything beyond my own wisdom and virtue as the measure of my life, I have also surrendered the mastery of my life. Many folks will tell you that they are powerful, precisely because they are loved by others. No, they are actually weak, precisely because they have not first loved others.

What have I received? That’s a crapshoot. What have I given? There’s the golden ticket.

Written in 7/2009