In
like manner then the whole, which consists of all the acts, which is our life,
if it cease at its proper time, suffers no evil for this reason, that it has
ceased; nor he who has terminated this series at the proper time, has he been
ill dealt with.
But
the proper time and the limit Nature fixes, sometimes as in old age the
peculiar nature of man, but always the Universal Nature, by the change of whose
parts the whole Universe continues ever young and perfect. And everything that
is useful to the Universal is always good and in season.
Therefore
the termination of life for every man is no evil, because neither is it shameful,
since it is both independent of the will and not opposed to the general
interest, but it is good, since it is seasonable, and profitable to and
congruent with the Universal. For thus too he is moved by the Deity who is
moved in the same manner with the Deity, and moved towards the same thing in
his mind.
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.23 (tr
Long)
Even as
I continue to make many terrible mistakes in daily practice, I am encouraged to
see certain habits of Stoic thinking take hold, slowly but surely. My
immediate responses are no longer always measured only by my desires, or by the
weight of my circumstances, but are informed more by a sense of right and
wrong. I begin to see what is good and what is bad in very different ways than
I did before, in ways I would once not have thought possible.
There
was a time when my first reaction to an insult was only resentment. My thoughts
can now more easily be about compassion.
There
was a time when my first reaction to pain was only self-pity. My thoughts can
now more easily be about self-mastery.
There
was a time when my first reaction to loss was only despair. My thoughts can now
more easily be about acceptance.
Loss has
always been the most difficult situation for me to come to terms with. Surely, I
have assumed, if something is good, then it should continue to be there? Why
does it have to go away? Shouldn’t the best things last forever?
But for
created things to act according to their specific natures, within the order of
all of Nature, it is fitting that they both come to be and pass away. This is
not contrary to what they are, but essential to what they are. The quantity of
time for which they are here should never be confused with the quality of
excellence they possess while they are here.
The
parts will come and go, so that the whole can be forever rebuilt and renewed.
Decay is no more an evil than growth, falling no more an evil than rising,
death no more an evil than birth. Each thing has its distinct time and place,
and it makes way so that the next thing will have its distinct time and place.
As I
grow older, I see more and more of death. I see more people I love disappear,
and I become increasingly aware that I will also soon disappear. For the
longest time, I could only feel the deepest sadness when I thought about those
who were gone, and I could only feel the deepest fear when I thought of my own
end.
Yet
something seems to have changed in me. Only the other day, I thought of my
departed uncle, and I was surprised by the absence of any grief. In its place
was gratitude. Instead of feeling sorrow for his loss, I felt an urge to live
right now, as he would have wanted me to live.
He had
suffered much, and he had carried many burdens, but he was a profoundly good
man, one of the best I have had the privilege of knowing. There was nothing
evil at all about him dying, because he had done well in his living. It was
unnecessary to add anything more to who he was.
Why
should I need to live any longer, if the very point of my living was in the
content of my character, to know the true and to love the good for the time I
was given? In this I have consciously shared in the design of Providence, and I
will then have done what I was meant to do. No encore is required, because the
job is complete, and the watch has now been passed to another.
Written in 9/2009
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