Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18.9

. . . Ninth, consider that a good disposition is invincible if it be genuine, and not an affected smile and acting a part.

For what will the most violent man do to you, if you continue to be of a kind disposition towards him, and if, as opportunity offers, you gently admonish him and calmly correct his errors at the very time when he is trying to do you harm, saying:

“Not so, my child. We are constituted by Nature for something else; I shall certainly not be injured, but you are injuring yourself, my child.”

And show him with gentle tact and by general principles that this is so, and that even bees do not do as he does, nor any animals that are formed by Nature to be gregarious.

And you must do this neither with any double meaning nor in the way of reproach, but affectionately and without any rancor in your soul; and not as if you were lecturing him, nor yet that any bystander may admire, but either when he is alone, and if others are present. . . .

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.18 (tr Long)

It all really comes together in the character of my own judgments, exercised simply for their own sake, and therefore the measure of a good life that no one else can hinder.

I can have an unfortunate tendency to become sullen when I feel disappointed. I may then crawl away or lash out, forgetting completely that my disappointment proceeded only from my own expectations. Or I may grimace, and assume that I must try harder to impress others, forgetting completely that who I am is not determined by what they may do or say.

If I rely upon my own virtue to be happy, I will never be disappointed, and I will be making good use of all the gifts Nature has given me. Of all the external things that people can take away from me, I need to remember that they are just things, and my own internal character can remain completely intact. In fact, I have the option of choosing to become better, when others choose to be worse.

When I work to act with wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice in all that I do, no harm will befall me. Is another acting poorly? Let me show him the respect he denies me. Is another showing me hatred? Let me show him what it means to love. My concern for him should be for the way he hurts himself, because if I only so decide, he is unable to hurt me.

Why do I assume that Nature most operate in constant conflict? Reason can convince, while force can only restrain. Kindness can inspire, while insults can only intimidate. Compassion brings people together, while resentment only drives them apart.

Now I should never confuse decency with pandering; the former seeks the good for the sake of others, while the latter seeks only gratification for oneself. It is hardly virtue at all if its intention is to manipulate, hardly charity at all if it is used to make a fine impression.

I will notice the difference, if I observe rightly: some people speak with you, while other people talk at you. A good man doesn’t ask for the approval of an audience to be good. He acts with love because he knows it is his nature to love, and he asks for nothing else.

Written in 5/2009