Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 10.4

If a man is mistaken, instruct him kindly, and show him his error.

But if you are not able, blame yourself, or blame not even yourself.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.4 (tr Long)

We can feel all different sorts of pain, but few things feel quite as uncomfortable as being in disagreement or conflict with someone. On the one hand, we suffer from anger when we think that someone else is wrong. On the other hand, we suffer from sadness when someone else thinks that we are wrong.

There is pride and insecurity mixed together, being confident enough to hate, but not being confident enough to let it go. We may claim that we don’t care what someone else thinks and says, but we really do care quite a bit, because otherwise it wouldn’t bother us so much.

And through it all, we will insist on the judgment that the other is always the one to blame. The finger of fault is pointed outwards, even as we feel quite uncertain on the inside.

Let us assume that another is indeed mistaken in his thoughts, words, or deeds. Why should I be angry with him, or hate him, or feel offended? What possible good can come from condemning him? I can hardly say that I will feel better by being frustrated with resentment, and I am hardly going to change his mind by treating him poorly.

Should I not instead help him to improve himself, using reason and respect? If he is in error, it is because he is confused, or misguided, or ignorant of what is truly good. Let me nudge him in the right direction, instead of pushing him into the ground. Then we will have worked together, and there will no need for all the petty bickering, or the cold shoulders, or the flinging of insults, or the fiery glares.

If there is any need for blame at all, let me find fault with only myself. Perhaps I was myself mistaken, and he is not in error at all, or I have misunderstood what he has said or done. Perhaps I did not speak to him rightly, or explain my thinking clearly, and then I have failed him. Perhaps I am still harboring an animosity toward him, and then I have only failed myself.

If I have judged rightly, acted justly, and been disposed charitably, and he is still mistaken, then there is no need for any blame at all. I have done what I believe is right, and he has done what he believes is right. I should still seek to help him, but there is no reason to hate him.

There is no need to become indignant about the truth, just as there is no need to deny the truth. If I am committed to what is right for myself, I will have done the best thing I can to share what is right with another. 

Written in 1/2009