Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 10.14

To her who gives and takes back all, to Nature, the man who is instructed and modest says, “Give what you will, and take back what you will.”

 And he says this not proudly, but obediently, and is well pleased with her.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.14 (tr Long)

The most reliable way to never be disappointed with life is to reform my very expectations. This is not a matter of lowering the standards of what I want, but rather of pursuing the excellence of what I actually need. It means not waiting to receive anything at all, but rather finding happiness in the good of what I myself am able to do.

If I examine the conventional approach to happiness, the one we are simply expected to follow by default, it becomes rather frightening how much of it depends on the convergence of circumstances. We like to tell ourselves that we have somehow earned our success, our security, or our place in the world, and that they are all the result of our effort and hard work.

Yet notice how often one man who is committed and dedicated will win what he thinks is his worldly reward, while another dozen who struggle even more will receive nothing at all. Indeed, we see quite a few people become rich or famous without even trying. I can strive all I want, but whether or not life gives me what I aim for is really quite beyond my power, and depends precariously on the approval and actions of others.

Pursue wealth, or honor, or pleasure, and we are playing a dangerous game, where the odds are not in our favor. Still we take credit when we win, though how the dice fell had nothing to do with us, and we cast blame when we lose, though we were the only ones who chose to place the bet.

Perhaps the better choice is not to rely on the game at all? If fortune gives me this, let me be content with it, but if she takes away that, let me also be content with it. I can only do this when I understand that the value of my life is not in what happens to me, because that has nothing to do with me, and is not within my power. The value of my life is rather in my own thinking and doing, because that is everything that I am, and is completely within my power.

I have felt disappointed when events don’t go as I would have liked, or when I have desired to possess something I cannot have. I have felt most disappointed when people say one thing, and them do something quite different. But why should I choose to embrace that feeling of loss or frustration? If I never thought I had a right to something to begin with, I will not be saddened by its loss. If I do not think it is necessary for me to live happily, I can then either take it or leave it.

Some will bask in the glory of their good fortune, and others will cry at the shame of their bad fortune. I do not need to do either, because I can choose to see that whatever is given or taken away is never in itself good or bad. All of it can be pleasing to me, if I only remember what is truly my own. 

Written in 1/2009