Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.27

When another blames you or hates you, or when men say about you anything injurious, approach their poor souls, penetrate within, and see what kind of men they are.

You will discover that there is no reason to take any trouble that these men may have this or that opinion about you.

However, you must be well disposed towards them, for by nature they are friends. And the gods too aid them in all ways, by dreams, by signs, towards the attainment of those things on which they set a value.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 9.27 (tr Long)

I still surprise myself with how easily I am swayed by what others think of me, and especially by the fact that I am most concerned about the opinions of all the worst sorts of people. Old habits die hard, and I will struggle with them all the more when so many folks around me insist that flattery and fawning are the only way to live.

My difficulty is directly addressed by the Stoic mindset, because I am still letting the merit of my thoughts and actions be determined by the thoughts and actions of others. Instead of allowing my own conscience to inform me, I am looking over my shoulder at how I will be judged. I should certainly be listening to others and learning from others, but I shouldn’t let them do my deciding for me.

If I am grappling with resentment at the offenses of others, I have already let my worries take me too far. If I am indeed right to think that gossip, or slander, or actions motivated by malice are reflections of poor character, why am I then giving such weight to the people who practice these things?

If I consider it carefully, I will see that they are revealing their true colors to me. That they seek to condemn, or deceive, or abuse others is already a clear indication that their judgment is grounded in an ignorance of true human nature. I can even be grateful for being allowed to see why I should not trust them.

So as soon as anyone says he hates me, or wishes to do me harm, he has drawn the worth of his own judgments into question.

Yet at the same time I must be careful not to swing to the opposite extreme of being closed to others, and of inadvertently dismissing them as they might dismiss me. If I am also showing contempt, I am no better than what offends me. How ironic it is that in my weaker moments, the more I complain and fret about the injustices committed by others, the more I myself act unjustly toward others.

The rule is simple, if only I remind myself of it, day in and day out: help those who seek to do me harm, and show respect for every man, even if I cannot respect what he thinks, says, or does. 

Written in 11/2008