Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.23

As you yourself are a component part of a social system, so let every act of yours be a component part of social life.

Whatever act of yours then has no reference either immediately or remotely to a social end, this tears asunder your life, and does not allow it to be one, and it is of the nature of a mutiny, just as when in a popular assembly a man acting by himself stands apart from the general agreement.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 9.23 (tr Long)

When I first began to take an interest in Stoicism many years ago, I mistakenly assumed that it would only make me be even more alone. I was already quite awkward and uncomfortable around people, and the fact that I was now interested in an odd philosophy that went against the grain of all that was popular was hardly going to make me any new friends. So I figured that being a loner was the price I needed to pay for some peace of mind, that self-sufficiency meant coming to terms with greater isolation.

Yet quite contrary to my expectations, something very different happened. No, I didn’t gain any new friends, or suddenly become more admired, but I did begin to understand what it actually meant to be social, that it was always right and necessary to live and work with others, and I became more content to do my own part, without demanding something further in return.

It is through the power of reason that we can understand one another, and it is through such an understanding that we can choose to cooperate for the sake of our common end. I may see other people treat social relations as a means for personal gain at the expense of others, and as a place of constant competition and conflict, but I do not need to act contrary to any man. I can hardly claim to live a life with my neighbors, if I am constantly working against them.

This may seem to be asking too much, and I may think I cannot help but have enemies. I remind myself simply that because another tries to take advantage of me does not require me to take advantage of him. The Golden Rule, however we may choose to express it, does not admit of conditions or exceptions.

When we treat life as a game of manipulation, we are separating ourselves from others, not bonding with them at all, and we are thereby removing our own nature from the whole of which it is a part. I am no longer even myself when I am no longer for others. Instead of saying “ If I want it, I’ll take it from you!” I should rather say “If we both need it, I can share it with you!”

I may still feel discouraged that being social in this way isn’t making me any richer, or winning me honor, or improving my influence and position. Yet taking a properly Stoic view of things will only remind me that none of that is the point at all, that being social isn’t about gaining greater popularity or importance. To be a social creature is in what I give to others, to act well for them, and that is itself the greatest reward, the building of my own character.

I do not need to receive anything else to be happy for having treated my neighbor with justice and compassion. My actions may be small, they may be unnoticed, or they may even lower my place in the pecking order. I can smile and move on, satisfied with my contribution.

If what I am doing can help others to live well, in whatever manner, then I am also living well, and there can be no opposition here. A social creature fulfills itself by contribution, not by domination.

No man who chooses to love is ever really alone. 

Written in 11/2008