Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.11

If you are able, correct by teaching those who do wrong; but if you cannot, remember that indulgence is given to you for this purpose.

And the gods, too, are indulgent to such persons; and for some purposes they even help them to get health, wealth, reputation; so kind they are. And it is in your power also; or say, who hinders you?

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 9.11 (tr Long)

I shudder when I think of all the times I was convinced another had done me wrong, and then in my righteous attempts to set him right, I only committed a wrong myself. How sad that my effort at correcting a perceived offense resulted only in compounding the offense, that I managed to make a bad thing even worse.

I can rule and change myself, but I cannot rule and change another man; only he can do that for himself. I can certainly inspire him, advise him, or guide him by example, but he will be the one who decides how he will live.

If I restrain him by force, punish him by deprivation, or intimidate him with sanctions, I may hinder his actions, but he will be the one who decides if he alters his mind and his will.

I should be careful that in my zeal for retribution, I do not end up becoming the more brutal man. I can hardly expect to teach respect when I fail to practice it.

And if he does not listen to me? Then I can recognize that he does wrong, while also choosing to treat him right. I can reject the thinking, without rejecting the one who thinks. I can condemn the act, and continue to love the person.

Whenever I am faced with vice that is beyond my own power, the virtue within my power calls me to tolerance. Once I have encouraged another in every way I can, I must still allow him his own way. I will bear with him, I will support him, I will give completely of myself to help him make himself better, but I cannot carry him if he refuses to be carried.

I do not think of tolerance as a permissive relativism, where the real difference between right and wrong is confused.

I do not think of tolerance as a smug condescension, where one simply looks down upon others as ignorant fools.

I do not think of tolerance as a begrudging hardness, where offenses are only suffered with gritted teeth.

No, tolerance is patience, it is a conviction, it is a true expression of compassion. Providence itself practices tolerance, because it permits us to exercise our freedom, even while never turning away from us, or refusing assistance to us.

I can hardly go wrong by mirroring the wisdom and love of Providence.

Written in 8/2008