Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.14

Whatever man you meet with, immediately say to yourself: What opinions has this man about good and bad?

For if with respect to pleasure and pain, and the causes of each, and with respect to fame and ignominy, death and life, he has such and such opinions, it will seem nothing wonderful or strange to me if he does such and such things; and I shall bear in mind that he is compelled to do so.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8 (tr Long)

Instead of only looking at what people do, I am best served by also understanding how they think. I may find myself surprised by their actions, but this is far less likely if I have a heads up on their motives.

I cannot know what is deep in their hearts and minds, of course, and people can have a way, both wonderful and frightening, of changing their ways, but more often than not, what they are going to do is already clear from what they have revealed about their values.

What have they shown about their sense of right and wrong? How do their passions affect them? Do they follow after what others may think, or does conscience lead them? Do they simply want to live, or do they care more for living well?

It can take quite some time to truly know someone, but I am amazed at how quickly a man’s most basic principles become apparent. I may have chosen not to look carefully, or I may have brushed aside what was actually quite clear to me, but I have usually had it within my power to know what made him tick.

I could have known, but I chose not to know, and then I acted all hurt and betrayed, insisting that someone had fooled me, when I had only fooled myself.

When I see someone who is full of himself, who manipulates, gossips, complains, demeans, or holds a grudge, I am already quite privy to what he cares about. That I cannot expect love from him, or loyalty, integrity, self-control, justice, or compassion should already be clear.

Two great benefits will follow from inquiring into the opinions of others. First, once again, I have a good hunch about what is coming my way, but also second, I myself will be more able to act from sympathy instead of anger. If I understand why they act, I will be aware of how they saw some good within it, however mistaken they may be. I am hopefully then more inclined to help than I am to hurt.

How much happier would I be if I had only decided not to commit my trust to someone untrustworthy, or refused to follow ideologues who said one thing but did another? If I had just looked carefully, I would have saved myself the grief. The past can’t be helped, however, even as I have learned for the present. 

Written in 2/2008