That almost sounds like the title of a brooding and introspective post-modern novel. It's too bad I am mediocre at writing in general, and at writing novels in particular. For every clever idea I have ever had, from poems, to short stories, to screenplays, to epic dramas, I have never had the knack for producing a marketable product.
And I thank the gods for that. If I'd ever been good at selling anything to anyone, I would never have discovered Stoicism, a philosophy that tells me why none of that amounts to a hill of beans.
As a young man, I would try my hardest to fit in, to be liked, to become what they call a "successful" person. Perhaps I didn't have the aptitude to begin with, but I certainly lacked the drive to impose myself upon others. It slowly occurred to me that shouting out loud, or playing the game, or being the bully were simply not in my nature. Was that really what was needed to be happy?
I saw people lie, cheat, and steal to get what they wanted. They said one thing, and then did another. The trick was all about not getting caught. That disgusted me, so I began to look elsewhere. I stumbled across Epictetus one day, and it flipped my world around.
Now I was actually a student of philosophy, and even managed a PhD in that field, but Stoicism was always something on the fringes. In a department of over forty world-class professors, not a single one would tell me anything about the Stoics. "Not my specialty," or "Not relevant for today," or "It's not on the comps reading list," were the usual answers.
So I braved it on my own. I read all I could on my own, I reflected upon it on my own, and I tried to put it all into practice on my own. That last bit was what spoke to me the most, because it became clear to me that Stoicism was not a philosophy of academic theory, but an exercise in daily living. This wasn't about looking smart, or even about being smart, but about being good, on every day and in every way. It was philosophy in the most practical and concrete form.
There was so little scholarship about Stoicism, and that was probably a good thing, because most scholars do little more than hold a mirror to their own vanity. I would occasionally run across weird, wonderful, and eccentric people who admired Seneca, Epictetus, or Marcus Aurelius, and it would brighten my day.
Even more rarely, I would find someone who knew who Zeno, Cleanthes, Chrysippus, or Musonius Rufus were, and I would feel like I was walking on air. Some others apparently understood.
Still, I felt lonely. Nevertheless, for the first time in my life, I did not assume that feeling lonely was bad. The Stoics taught me why I didn't need to worry about those things.
I may have felt lonely, but I was never alone.
I learned how what mattered about me was what I thought and did, not about what others thought and did.
I learned that I am always a part of Nature, and whatever my circumstances, I will always have my place.
I learned that I don't need to read a fancy book to find God. He is right here, in everything I see, and in everything I do.
I learned that I don't need to be loved by people. I only need to love them to see them as my neighbors.
Somewhere into the 2000's I noticed a buzz on the internet. The word "Stoic" started to be used, and not in the usual negative way. I had a moment of brief hope that the way of life I had chosen, a commitment to understanding, respect, and a harmony with all things, might take hold with more people. I found that encouraging.
I fell back into the trap of thinking that something was good if it was popular, or, as we say now, it was "trending". And once again, I saw what happened when people took hold of something good, and used it only to glorify themselves.
I saw a surge in professional scholarship on the topic, but much of it it was stale, dry, and inbred. Let us, by all means, debate the subtleties of Greek and Latin terms; I love that as much as the next geek. But shall we let this distract from our living, because words apparently matter more than things?
I once asked an esteemed professor why he thought, as has now become the trend, that a Stoic should be an atheist. He laughed, and said, "People who believe in God are assholes." I quote him, word for word. But shall we reject what is Divine because it isn't the fad of the age?
I read the words of an academic who was openly proud that he had decided to "become" a Stoic, because it would help his scholarly career, differentiate himself from his colleagues, and allow him to better promote his political ideology. He struts around to this day, proclaiming himself an expert. But is this worthy of praise?
I watched a humble fellow posting his own reflections on the internet, long before I ever had the courage to post my own. He said many wonderful, insightful, and helpful things. But every single response to his posts was negative, and negative about the smallest of things. "Clearly, you are not a Stoic," they told him. He never posted again. But should we treat others in this way?
I ran across websites that sold products. Online courses about how to become a better Stoic, for a reduced price, only this week. Amulets and trinkets that you could wear to be a better Stoic, free shipping for only a limited time. My favorite was the blessed opportunity to purchase a blank book, so you could then write your Stoic reflections in it. But do any of us remember buying pet rocks?
There are now hipsters who pose as Stoics, businessmen who find an opportunity for profit to be seen as Stoics, and online Stoic gurus who use your need for their greed. They pose for the camera, and they tell you how much they care. They do care, but not for you, not for virtue, and not for Nature.
So someone thought they figured out that you can sell Stoicism as a life hack, failing to understand that it can never be bought or sold, and that it has nothing to do with status or wealth. This too shall pass.
I feel lonely again, because I have nothing at all to do with these folks. Still, my feeling of loneliness is not bad, because I am not alone. I don't need to worry about those things. Take your gratification, take your glory, take your profit.
I have Nature.
Lonely? Yes. Alone? Never.
Written in 3/2017
IMAGE: Appearance Defeats Character
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