Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.19

Through the Universal Substance, as through a furious torrent, all bodies are carried, being by their nature united with and cooperating with the whole, as the parts of our body with one another.

 How many a Chrysippus, how many a Socrates, how many an Epictetus has time already swallowed up? And let the same thought occur to you with reference to every man and thing.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 7 (tr Long)

I was always terrified of water as a child. It always did things I didn’t want it to do.

At the age of six, I swallowed seawater when we were at the beach, and I panicked.

At the age of eight, I almost drowned when a bully of a swim instructor dropped me in the deep end. He laughed at me while I struggled.

At the age of twelve, a similar sort of fellow, at a Boy Scout camp, told me that I was a “pussy” and a “faggot” because of my fear. “Real men learn how to swim real easy. Only losers fail.”

At the age of twenty, a girl said that her supposed Hawaiian lifestyle demanded that I learn how to surf, and that she was ashamed of me. “How can I introduce you to my friends and family if you can’t board?”

Yes, I was quite the loser. I was never able to conquer that fear. I don’t think that the advice of moral monsters made it any better. People still laugh at my condition, and they still think it amusing that I am so afraid of water.

It was never dying that bothered me, but it was the power of water that bothered me. Shoot me in the head, bludgeon me to death, or strangle me, but please don’t let me drown.

So when Marcus Aurelius describes life as a furious torrent, I am ready to run off screaming.  I intensely dislike that image.

My own preference, however, is not the same thing as the truth. As much as it may disturb me, the torrent of water will indeed wash me away. It washes away all of us, even the very best. This is natural, and it is good. All the greatest people in this world, even people like Socrates himself, were washed away. I will soon be much the same, in the company of men and women far better than myself.

I did what I could do, while I was here, to share love. Did no one notice? It is of no matter. The torrent takes us all, including those who love, and those who hate. The river is the great equalizer. 

Written in 10/2007