Boethius, The Consolation 1.27

“When the stars are hidden by black clouds,

no light can they afford.

When the boisterous south wind rolls along the sea

and stirs the surge, the water,

but now as clear as glass,

bright as the fair sun's light,

is dark, impenetrable to sight,

with stirred and scattered sand.

The stream, that wanders down the mountain's side,

must often find a stumbling block,

a stone within its path torn from the hill's own rock.

So too shall you:

If you would see the truth in undimmed light,

choose the straight road, the beaten path.

Away with passing joys! Away with fear!

Put vain hopes to flight! And grant no place to grief!

Where these distractions reign, the mind is clouded over,

the soul is bound in chains.”

—from Book 1, Poem 7

When I face hardship, I will almost immediately begin to doubt. I will question if there can ever be a solution, and wonder if there are even any certain and reliable answers to begin with. I will be tempted to walk away from endeavors, because I worry the effort will inevitably end in failure.

This is a weakness I have had to cope with over many years, and it was only recognizing how it was a weakness that allowed me to begin pulling myself out of destructive thoughts. I am facing a difficulty, so I assume it is an impossibility. I struggle with grasping the truth of the matter, so I assume there is no truth. This is a sort of skepticism that comes from a rejection out of despair, not from a healthy questioning.

The tunnel may be long and dark, but that does not mean there is no light at the other end. My vision may be obscured, but that does not mean I should stop looking. Remove the obstruction, I remind myself, and then there will be something to see. Don’t throw away the book because the words appear blurred, but focus more carefully.

In most every case, I have learned that the obstruction comes from something within myself, from the haziness of my own thinking, from the weakness of my own commitment. Even when it seems that something outside of me is blocking my way, it is usually my own position and attitude that is keeping it in the way. If a wall hinders my view, I shouldn’t curse the wall. I should walk around it, or climb over it.

The things that block my way are distractions, and I go astray when I follow something lesser at the expense of what is greater. I may be lured away by the promise of pleasure. I may be frightened by the prospect of pain. I may be tempted by shabby rewards from empty achievements. I may be crippled by my own vanity.

Things become bigger to me, more desirable or more terrifying, depending on how much value I give them in my estimation. When I am paying the most attention to wanting to be loved, I will neglect the act of loving. When I obsess about the wrong others may have done, I am forgetting about doing right. The obstacle is largely self-imposed, and moving beyond it only becomes possible by the self-rule of staying the course.

I was driving to work very early one morning, and as the sun rose, I noticed how foggy it seemed outside. I squinted, slowed down, and wondered at the crazy weather. It took a moment to realize the fogginess I saw came from a huge smudge on my glasses, and had absolutely nothing to do with the weather. I laughed aloud at my foolishness, just as I should do whenever I am the very one distracting myself from the right goal. 

Written in 7/2015