Seneca on the Friendship of Kindred Minds 2

. . . Hasten, therefore, in order that, while thus perfecting yourself for my benefit, you may not have earned perfection for the benefit of another. 

To be sure, I am already deriving some profit by imagining that we two shall be of one mind, and that whatever portion of my strength has yielded to age will return to me from your strength, although there is not so very much difference in our ages. But yet I wish to rejoice in the accomplished fact. 

We feel a joy over those whom we love, even when separated from them, but such a joy is light and fleeting; the sight of a man, and his presence, and communion with him, afford something of living pleasure; this is true, at any rate, if one not only sees the man one desires, but the sort of man one desires. . . .

—Seneca the Younger, Moral Letters to Lucilius 35, tr Gummere

It is hardly selfish to say that I must make myself good for my sake. It is only then that I can be good for others.  I can only give of myself if I already possess myself.

I have long been an admirer of the great Hindu epic, the Mahabharata. The Pandava prince, Yudhishthira, is a great man, but he has a fatal flaw. He is addicted to gambling, and even worse, he cannot gamble well. The rival Kauravas lure him into a game of dice, in which he loses all his possessions, and even gambles away himself. In one last attempt to win everything back, he wagers his wife, Draupadi. She immediately asks him how he could offer her when he had already lost himself.

Likewise, to be of one mind with another first requires the mastery of one’s own mind. Such a sharing of minds is far more than just mutual affection, interests, or utility, but a commitment to a second self. It is through this commitment that friends strengthen one another, for a burden shared is a burden that is halved, and a joy shared is joy that is doubled. In aiming and preparing for friendship, Seneca and Lucilius are already helping one another. The vitality of youth enlivens Seneca, and the wisdom of age informs Lucilius.

I am often surprised, and saddened, to see so many people engaging in what they believe to be friendship, but not sharing fully of themselves. To be of one mind does not allow for secrets, deceptions, or manipulations. We wonder why so many marriages fail, but it is largely because we do not begin them as true friends.

The contentment that comes from friendship cannot be a mere passing thing, and this is because we do not choose any person as a friend, but a certain type of person. It is not appearance, or charm, or position that should draw us, but the presence of character that should inspire us. I can be a friend with any good man, and with no wicked man.

Written in 9/1999