. . . I should like also to state to
you one of the distinctions of Chrysippus, who declares that the wise man is in
want of nothing, and yet needs many things. "On the other hand," he
says, "nothing is needed by the fool, for he does not understand how to
use anything, but he is in want of everything."
The wise man needs hands, eyes, and
many things that are necessary for his daily use; but he is in want of nothing.
For want implies a necessity, and nothing is necessary to the wise man.
Therefore, although he is
self-sufficient, yet he has need of friends. He craves as many friends as
possible, not, however, that he may live happily; for he will live happily even
without friends. The Supreme Good calls for no practical aids from outside; it
is developed at home, and arises entirely within itself. If the good seeks any
portion of itself from without, it begins to be subject to the play of Fortune.
. . .
—Seneca
the Younger, Moral Letters to Lucilius 9,
tr Gummere
What do
I need from outside of myself to live well? I need nothing but opportunities,
and every experience offered by fortune is an opportunity.
What do
I want from outside of myself to live well? I have learned that I should want
nothing at all. I need only to be grateful for anything offered.
Chrysippus,
the third leader of the Stoic school, said it rightly. It’s all about the
distinction between wanting and needing.
The
grasping man wants many things, because he depends upon fortune to feed his
desires. He needs nothing at all, because the gifts of his nature are lost to
him.
The good
man wants nothing, because he knows his life does not revolve around fortune.
He needs many things, because everything in his life is an occasion to live
according to his nature.
The need
for friends is not a necessity that comes from depending on what others may do
for my happiness, but simply depends upon the opportunity I am given to love
them.
It is
only when we falsely reverse the order of life, by confusing the internal and
the external, that we think of our need for friends in the wrong way. Some
might say that they need friends because they need help, or because they are
lonely. Though hardly desirable, the self-sufficient man can live well without
help, and he can live well even if he is alone. The need for others is only in
what comes from within him.
This can
be a hard path to follow, and it must be understood rightly, especially since
we are so accustomed to defining ourselves socially. It is hardly that the
Stoic is not a social animal, but rather that he is a social animal for a
different set of reasons.
I have
learned to distinguish the difference between what I call being alone and being lonely. I have spent much of my life alone, sometimes by choice,
because I appreciate the peace of solitude, and sometimes by circumstance,
because I am hardly a social magnet. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and
it has become a means to help me practice self-sufficiency.
But I
have also had times where I have terrible lonely, and this isn’t quite the same
thing. I can be alone and still be happy, but the sadness of being lonely comes
only from my own estimation, because I am feeling the desire to be recognized
or appreciated. Knowing that the solution to this feeling is in my own thinking
has been a great help.
There is
an important distinction, therefore, between needing friends to love, and
wanting friends to be loved. To recognize it is to have taken an important step
in the Stoic Turn, where we reorder our lives from what comes to us to what we
do.
Written 1/2005
Image: Johann Heinrich Lips (1758-1817), An Allegory of Friendship
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