Seneca on Philosophy and Friendship 4

. . . Let us now return to the question. The wise man, I say, self-sufficient though he be, nevertheless desires friends if only for the purpose of practicing friendship, in order that his noble qualities may not lie dormant.

Not, however, for the purpose mentioned by Epicurus in the letter quoted above: "That there may be someone to sit by him when he is ill, to help him when he is in prison or in want”, but that he may have someone by whose sick-bed he himself may sit, someone a prisoner in hostile hands whom he himself may set free. 

He who regards himself only, and enters upon friendships for this reason, reckons wrongly. The end will be like the beginning: he has made friends with one who might assist him out of bondage; at the first rattle of the chain such a friend will desert him. These are the so-called "fair-weather" friendships; one who is chosen for the sake of utility will be satisfactory only so long as he is useful.

Hence prosperous men are blockaded by troops of friends; but those who have failed stand amid vast loneliness, their friends fleeing from the very crisis which is to test their worth. Hence, also, we notice those many shameful cases of persons who, through fear, desert or betray.

The beginning and the end cannot but harmonize. He who begins to be your friend because it pays will also cease because it pays. A man will be attracted by some reward offered in exchange for his friendship, if he is attracted by anything in friendship other than friendship itself. . . .

—Seneca the Younger, Moral Letters to Lucilius 9, tr Gummere

It is only within this context of self-sufficiency and indifference to externals that we can understand the Stoic nature of friendship. I should seek friends so that I may do good for them, and not so that they will do good for me. I often think of it as the importance of being a friend over having a friend.

The differing views on friendship of the Epicurean and the Stoic become apparent from their respective first principles. If I measure my life by pleasure, then I will choose friends by how they make me feel. If I measure my life by virtue, I will choose friends by what I can do for them. It is simply the difference between desiring a friend when I am in need, and desiring to be a friend when another is in need.

I notice how many people who may never even have heard of these terms are nevertheless Epicurean or Stoic in their daily lives. We all know the folks who will walk away when things are no longer as they desire them, and we all know the folks who will bear the hardship because they love you. Some ask you to suffer for them, while others offer to share your suffering.

It may seem that the pleasure-seekers of this life are those people with the most friends, and it doesn’t make it any easier when they show this off. They do indeed have many acquaintances while fortune smiles on them, much like musicians have their groupies, but whenever the winds change, the crowds will move on. Compare the opening party to the end of the tour in This is Spinal Tap. What appeared to be many friends were neither many, nor were they friends.

There are few things more satisfying than a meeting of genuine fellowship between those who care for one another. I do not confuse this, however, with the social practice of trying to impress others in order to gain their admiration. One is a self-giving joy, the other a self-serving burden.

A sign of our weakness is the prevalence of rejection and betrayal among those who once pledged friendship. This is an outer sign of an inner disorder, for the “fair-weather” friend has now simply found someone or something else more profitable. He will have no qualms about dropping you, because it was always about using you to begin with.

There is a better way, one where I can still look at myself in the mirror every morning. It is love for the sake of love. In my own Roman Catholic tradition, I was raised with the Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy, all the ways I can try to relieve the suffering, whether in body or in soul, of others. I believe that Seneca would also have approved:

The corporal works of mercy

—To feed the hungry.

—To give water to the thirsty.

—To clothe the naked.

—To shelter the homeless.

—To visit the sick.

—To visit the imprisoned or ransom the captive.

—To bury the dead

The spiritual works of mercy

—To instruct the ignorant.

—To counsel the doubtful.

—To admonish the sinners.

—To bear patiently those who wrong us.

—To forgive the offense.

—To comfort the afflicted.

—To pray for the living and the dead.

Written 1/2005

Image: Johann Heinrich Lips (1758-1817), An Allegory of Friendship