What does it take to be a friend?

"What a man applies himself to earnestly, that he naturally loves. Do men then apply themselves earnestly to the things which are bad? By no means. Well, do they apply themselves to things which in no way concern themselves? Not to these either. It remains, then, that they employ themselves earnestly only about things which seem good; and if they are earnestly employed about things, they love such things also. 

"Whoever, then, understands what is good, can also know how to love; but he who cannot distinguish good from bad, and things which are neither good nor bad from both, can he possess the power of loving? To love, then, is only in the power of the wise.

" 'How is this?' a man may say. 'I am foolish, and yet love my child.' I am surprised indeed that you have begun by making the admission that you are foolish. For what are you deficient in? Can you not make use of your senses? do you not distinguish appearances? do you not use food which is suitable for your body, and clothing and habitation? Why then do you admit that you are foolish?

"It is in truth because you are often disturbed by appearances and perplexed, and their power of persuasion often conquers you; and sometimes you think these things to be good, and then the same things to be bad, and lastly neither good nor bad; and in short you grieve, fear, envy, are disturbed, you are changed. This is the reason why you confess that you are foolish.

"And are you not changeable in love? But wealth, and pleasure and, in a word, things themselves, do you sometimes think them to he good and sometimes bad? and do you not think the same men at one time to be good, at another time bad? and have you not at one time a friendly feeling toward them and at another time the feeling of an enemy? and do you not at one time praise them and at another time blame them?

" 'Yes; I have these feelings also.' Well then, do you think that he who has been deceived about a man is his friend?  'Certainly not.'

"And he who has selected a man as his friend and is of a changeable disposition, has he good-will toward him? 'He has not.'

"And he who now abuses a man, and afterward admires him? 'This man also has no good-will to the other.' "

"Well then, did you never see little dogs caressing and playing with one another, so that you might say there is nothing more friendly? but, that you may know what friendship is, throw a bit of flesh among them, and you will learn.

"Throw between yourself and your son a little estate, and you will know how soon he will wish to bury you and how soon you wish your son to die. Then you will change your tone and say, 'What a son I have brought up! He has long been wishing to bury me.' Throw a smart girl between you; and do you, the old man, love her, and the young one will love her too, If a little fame intervene, or dangers, it will be just the same."

--Epictetus, Discourses 22 (tr Long)

I have always chuckled at that old, corny joke: "The three biggest lies in all of history. 'The check is in the mail.' 'I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.' 'I love you.' "

We appeal to the ideals of love and friendship so regularly, and claim them as the noblest inspiration for our actions. Yet I wonder whether we even know what it means to love or to be a friend, and if we don't even know what love is, how can we possibly practice what we do not understand?

This passage has long served as a support when my impressions start running away with me. The most decisive and difficult event of my life was the loss of someone I considered the closest of friends, and I struggled for many years to make sense of what had happened. Thinking through what Epictetus says here has always given me great comfort.

In harmony with the Stoic principle that every man acts in conformity with what seems to him to be good, it would follow that my ability to love, to appreciate and desire the good in itself, is only as complete as my understanding of what is good. I can only love what I know, and if I do not even understand why I should respect and love the dignity of another person, I will act only on blind feelings and appearances.

I don't take it as elitist at all when Epictetus says that only the wise know how to love. I do not think the wise to be the gifted or educated, but simply those who seek to reflect and understand the nature of themselves and their world, the lovers of truth.

If I act based upon appearances alone, which are in themselves always changing, then my estimation of the good will depend entirely upon those variable impressions. I will then "love" what is pleasant, hate what is unpleasant, if I apprehend the good as pleasure. I will seek what brings fame and shun what brings unpopularity if I apprehend the good as honor. I will desire riches and reject poverty if I apprehend the good as wealth. As all those circumstances change, and as my measures change, what I call "love" will really just be a conditional attraction. It will come and go as all these things come and go.

This has helped me to learn why true friendship is absolute and unconditional, while the friendship of appearances is relative and conditional. If I love another person for their own sake, regardless of utility, I am rising up to virtue. Such friendship has a firm foundation If, however, my attachment is only one of affection and attraction to what is pleasing to my passions, I am falling into vice. Such friendship is fleeting, and will pass when the convenience passes. One is a love of giving, the other a love of receiving.

When I recognize how conditionally another person feels for me, I must not meet this with resentment or despair. I must meet it simply with understanding. I can choose to love, even if I am not loved in return, as long as I hold fast to the principle that it is my own actions that determine my happiness.

Though admittedly quite sentimental, I'm drawn to the image of the Claddagh ring to reflect the meaning of unbreakable friendship. My wife and I swapped out our old bands for a pair of these on our 18th wedding anniversary.

Written on 7/18/2016

Image: a Claddagh ring. The heart represents love. The hands represent friendship. The crown represents loyalty.